Each week, Dan Hanzus sifts through the pro football landscape to bring you sublime subplots of NFL life. Some of it he loves. Some he does not. Other stuff, he can't quite decide. The ATL Buzz Report.

• 

  1. All wet in Miami

  If you're Sprinkler Timer Guy, do you turn off the system that's soaking the large NFL players or just pack up your stuff and leave the building? Tough call.

• 

  2. Aaron Rodgers' lip rug

  I've come around on this. IfAaron Rodgers wants to look like a bad guy in a 1980s ski resort comedy, that's cool. Get that man some Ray-Bans and a synthesizer!

• 

  3. Kaepernick's ink critique

  According to one columnist,Colin Kaepernick's tattoos send a bad message ... or something. Even the old men at your local Elks lodge thought it was racist.

• 

  4. Brees goes belly-up

  Raise your hand if you calledDrew Brees pulling a no-show in a must-win against the Falcons. On the plus side, more time for commercials with One Direction.

• 

  5. (Insert Viagra pun here)

  Brandon Marshall said some players take Viagra to increase their performance on the field. Too many jokes. Brain cannot compute. System shutdown.

• 

  6. Bart Scott rips Jets fans

  At some point, Bart Scottceased to be a linebacker and assumed the identity as thephysical manifestation of everything that's wrong with the Jets' operation.

• 

  7. Powerball madness

  It seems every NFL playerbought tickets for the $550 million Powerball drawing. Even Larry Fitzgerald tried to supplement his $11 million income.

• 

  8. Mr. Jones and me

  A man petitioned President Obama to remove Jerry Jones from power in Dallas. Later, Jones and Obama shared a deep cackle in their underground lair.